I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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