i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
