Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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