I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
