I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
