what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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