I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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