So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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