did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
