i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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