So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
