Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
