when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
