You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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