If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
