can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Semen is not good for contacts.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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