he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
