you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
