There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
