Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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