Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
