You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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