My sheets look like a crime scene.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
