whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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