I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
