I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
