my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
