she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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