Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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