I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
