"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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