connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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