Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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