Just fell off a train. Bad.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize