Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize