Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We had to coat check the pizza.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
