my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Boobs speak an international language.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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