i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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