Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
