drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have fence marks all over my body
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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