Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
