you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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