im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
