Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I want her autograph on my taint
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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