I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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