Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize