Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
