I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
