Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
