mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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