Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
