my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
