Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
