and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
