Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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