The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
