It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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