i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize